inreaction

i typed the following phrase in microsoft word:

“Perhaps never before nor since has the very idea of ethics been captured so succinctly.”

the gods of red lines underlined “nor,” but when i right-clicked to see what was going on, all i got was “‘Nor’ ‘Or’ use, consider revising.” CONSIDER REVISING? what good is that? have some backbone, spelling and grammar check!

what i tell myself, when the buzz of a new perspective or vial wears off, i still don’t think i can do this.

things that are good, 12.

1. being honest, blowing off steam
2. bicycles
3. cold weather
4. vsop
5. bed sheets
6. [some] people from northern california
7. the redemptive qualities of friendships
8. basmati rice
9. semi-synthetic opoids
10. breaks when you can see friends from home
11. academic success
12. dreamless sleep

as opposed to facebook, which is fundamentally bad.

i feel an increasing need to start actually blogging, instead of masturbating words into spurts of meaningless everythings. i’m beginning to be tempted to start doing the whole “today i…,” if only to make it apparent the patterns that seem to be taking me down. seems like these days i don’t really know what’s best – should i turn away from the things, the people that make things difficult, or should i keep them in my life as some sort of reminders of a felix culpa that might one day translate into optimism, into growth?

last night i was in los angeles, today i’m in laguna niguel.

i think i’m goign to switch things up. today i will do a list of everything i’m tired of, tomorrow or tonight a list of things to keep fighting for. lets pick a number.

Here are your random numbers:

35	33	28

Timestamp: 2008-12-20 00:33:31 UTC

35 is too round, 28 is too small. let’s go.

1. pain
2. temptation
3. feelings of extreme longing
4. ebay businesses
5. headaches, now mostly on the left side of my head
6. not wanting to talk but having so much to say about one issue
7. there not being anything to say but needing to talk
8. fatigue, to an extreme extent, malaise
9. facial hair
10. the calming effect of nightcaps
11. sleeping alone
12. worrying about whether or not new feelings are physical reactions to withdrawal or founded in reality
13. feeling guilty for having new feelings
14. having feelings
15. ahahaha
16. jennifer aniston
17. laundary
18. being alone in an unsatisfactory way
19. weather that mirrors mood
20. not drinking enough water
21. sucking ass at writing, lately
22. looking at people’s facebooks
23. caring about people’s facebooks
24. relationships
25. socks that aren’t warm
26. batteries that need to be charged all the time
27. having to see people you really don’t want to
28. realigning friendships
29. trying, with friendships
30. disappointments
31. finding out your hero is addicted to lean
32. people not being around to update their blogs and provide reading material
33. this list.

that’s 1000% of your daily recommended value of whine! positive stuff later.

there are too many things in this head.

my mom’s health seems to be deteriorating at a rate that is far too quick for her age. a life of stress and concern for all but herself, an overzealous attachment to making everything and everyone perfect in her eyes is catching up with her and i don’t quite know what to do.  when doctors go places in visits to primary care offices that one never imagines, let alone at 50, it’s scary. “i’m suspicious that this is cardiac.” “cardiac?” “yes.” “as in a heart att-” “yes.” put this nitroglycerin under your tongue, forget about all this.

i’m still torn in too many places about a decision i made, and i’m torn about what to expect. when i knew it hurt us both i hated myself, when it seems to only affect one of us, i don’t know what i hate. i don’t know what to do with this, i don’t know what it is. it’s not anger so i can’t do anythign with it. the weather forbids exercise, and home is increasingly a prison of thoughts i need to not think, places i need to not go.

my father is overworking himself, aspirations precluding any sort of immediate pleasure. such is the crime of the immigrant vision, the american dream. the hopes of a better tomorrow, the dementia towards today. he leaves early, returns late. our conversations consist of snores as the television provides the score to this bad, sad movie of a life. i’m worried about him.

there are too many things to do here, and nothing to enjoy doing. i need to let things go but i want so badly to hold on. to be honest, there is at least one thing that i’m not sure if i will ever truly let go, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. everything in our lives has its purpose, right?

it’s not that bad. there are, after all, reasons to smile. they’re just not all…here.

but my family is, even if it seems whacked out beyond repair (WOBAR!). my relative health is. the promises of an escape to my apartment are. my friends from home are, or will be by week’s end. and the filipino people are too: http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-160840 .