inreaction

rarely do situations find you in the way you thought they would.
almost always you can adapt.
i didn’t know things would end like this,
but i’m pretty sure they’ve ended.
it’s a bit raw and odd feeling but there’s always other things to look towards.
i’ll be moving and distance can bring regret pain and relief.
i’m hoping for the latter.
i’m not into writing a lot tonite, i’ve already written two letters.
i’m checking out. slowly but surely. i’d love to hold on to you and some idea of us,
so if you’d like that grab quickly.
this isn’t arrogant it’s factual. i leave in 25 days. that’s enough to hang on,
and more than enough time to move on. i’m sorry but i refuse to hang on
to a situation that is fleeting at best.
rarely do situations find you in the way you thought they would.
almost always can you adapt.

this will be a bit of “that was then, this is now.”

then:

August 10th, 2006

I cannot continue with the current state of affairs. I am merely and entirely too weak to hold inside myself the opportunity and optimism I feel and have not felt for years.

You can take me, break me, or make me—but I need to know. I need to know before I lose this invasive nonchalant feel—before I lose my mind. If “nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of my own mind” and every last thing reminds me of you then tell me what sanctity exists without you?

I’ve thought long about being this open and some would say ridiculous but I’ve only found more questions. What wisdom—what strength can be found in hiding this? What disgrace comes from penning, typing, and broadcasting these lines? What good would arise from trying to hide when I have nothing to hide behind? How many times may I hint before reality hits?

None more. I feel as though this may be the most honest thing I’ve ever done. I feel fear but know not what will come of all this. Perhaps these words wll be followed by pages of angst—perhaps only antonyms of love will flow from such truth. Perhaps I will never write again—I’ve never felt more incapable of caring about such scenarios.

I must tell you the truth. I find you everywhere I look. I see you everytime I laugh—I smile at the thought of those that grace your face. I get lost in the memory of your eyes and the looks they convey. I’m insane and illogical tonight but today is all I can give you.

I leave tomorrow and I can’t step on that plane without knowing your truth. Pity not and stay true to what you feel, what you may fear, what you need, and not what I wish for. I would much rather deal with anything than cope with pressuring you. I merely wish for you to know that my intentions are honestly to spend time with you before we’re forced to leave not to far away but far enough to feel regret had I not told you all this.

I’m sorry if this is shocking and scant but I doubt it is much of a surprise. I suppose this is slightly unconventional but I fear that time lies against me in my quest to tell those that mean everything to me precisely what everything means.

You are a person of immense intelligence and intellect, unpretentious maturity, amazing charm, and genuine sincerity. Should a discord in the way you and I feel be the case, I want you to know that I hold you in the highest regard and with utmost respect—your opinion of this letter of sorts could never diminish that.

this is now:

August 18th, 2006

there comes a point in every foolish admiration where a young boy must realize that certain things and most people are beyond his control–although he would admittedly rather deal with such outcomes than control anyone00the people worth having are beyond controlling.

he comes upon a fork with only disheartening choices–to chase a scenario he knows he can’t find or to pull over and give up. i’ve never been especially strong and i’ve already given the former road too many miles.

it’s hard for me to write these things because i truly felt that this was an opportunity to prove all my pervious misconceptions about relationships and life wrong–to finally see what i wanted to see, that my conceptions were nothing more than foolish mitakes, nothing more than the bitter manifestations of my pride…of my arrogance.

regardless, i’ve grown more than wary of pushing my dreams onto a young lady who minds not if i fall through to the other side of melancholy. it’s fine, i understand. i was days too late and not convincing enough–even these words lack conviction. i’m trying to tear myself away from this yearning to see her but my drive is weak–i’m not accustomed to ripping myself away from those that make this whole damn game worth playing.

it’s difficult for me to tell those i appreciate what they mean to me because what they mean to me is everything. but there’s a line that i am not bold enough to cross–i can’t bring myself to tell these things to one who either doesn’t want to hear them or just likes the way they sound. it’s always been a test for me to be honest in the truest sense, not becaues i’m fond of liars, but because i can’t–people don’t usually take well to hearing how one truly feels about them in this world.

so i apologize for chasing clouds and i’m sorry for hoping. i regret bothering you and i fear i’ve done some damage to what was. but as much as i know i need you i need to promise myself to not work around your calls, to not chase what does not exist, and to not yearn for what is not meant to be.

i know these words are far too dramatic and i’m sorry for that. sometimes life seems to be a sort of mad-lib where we fill in the names but all go through the same story. so i filled in the wrong names and didn’t get through the whole story, and now i fall onto a different page–and when i write of such pages i inevitable use words far too strong and far too meaningless. don’t see this as a tale of heartbrokenness–i’m not fond of that word. i just write what i write and usually it’s more than i feel or can actually believe. chances are i’ll be here a week from now chasing i don’t know what.

these letters i cannot write
for today this word is not a source of light
two letters like two simple seeds
a flower bloomed–not to sake our needs.

i find it callous as do you
but this cold distance is not nearly new.
tired, it is and so it pains,
for breaths to clear these lungs stains.

but clarity is no more fair
than the glance you use to dare
my honest intents and childish stares
you burn me with your charming and fickle cares.

oh man. i wrote a lot.

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
to see if you’re human after all

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we’ve got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I
don’t have a clue
I don’t have all the answers
ain’t gonna’ pretend like I do

Well I haven’t memorized all of the cute things to say
but I’m working on it
Maybe I’ll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I’ve read

I’m just trying – to find my way
trying – to find my way
trying – to find my way the best that I know how

–>lifehouse-trying.

honesty is a hard attribute to find.
i just found it and wrote it and i’m scared to let one person read it.
i’m leaving tomorrow. i hope to come home safely.
goodbye.