whoop that trick.

i suppose i could be kind and positive and thank god for all the positives but i think sometimes i do that enough and that it is indeed much easier to just go off on the annoyances in life.

for the first time in my amazingly awesome and boring seventeen years, i’ve decided to give into the simple and stupid things in life. i can’t pretend to be any more than anyone else–i’ve been broken just like any other little boy. booty booty booty. haha. i don’t know what to say–i refuse to sound or even be desperate. i will admit that i miss the longing that comes with a relationship, but i know i don’t want or need one. i just want the benefits i guess.

i’m not gonna lie–it would be nice to find someone that is mature enough to just have fun and hang out without feeling forced into a relationship or getting possessive or annoying. or it would be nice to have someone that appears to be like that–since it won’t be a relationship, it wouldn’t matter if it turns out otherwise. i want to have that comfort and subtle physicality without the emotional tearups and stupid side-effects that come with any high school “relationship.”

i’ve decided to stop being what is appealing to others. not that i’ve ever really tried that hard or been that good at it, but i’m sick of the world. i like listening to jack johnson one minute, chammillionaire the next, and incubus before i go to bed. i write. i did ballet for a few weeks. i paint. i don’t work out. i’m not going to go race you in your roided civic. i don’t want to smoke with you, and i won’t do anything but watch you get drunk and laugh. i’m not here to play with your testosterone imbalance, and i’m not here to listen to what you have to say. i’m going to take salsa classes and can’t wait to take “history of modern thought” with classes at the ghetty. i’m tired of your forced smiles and pretended disgust. don’t feign anything–we could all careless. for god’s sake, if you’re in pain just say it. if you like someone just say it. if you just want to makeout and never talk again just say it. if you can’t handle life at all then wake up and see that’s just how it is.

sometimes i get sick of the mindless games of this planet’s stupid people, and sometimes i write it. sometimes life is awesome. prom was awesome. some of my friends are awesome. getting my haircut at paul mitchell by some dumb blond chick was awesome. talking behind people’s back about things that actually matter isn’t awesome. don’t pretend to like me–if you are, chances are i don’t like you anyway. it’s not fucking emo. i don’t wear bitch pants and i cut my hair on time. i have no interest in having knives anywhere near my wrist. i just write and type.

i haven’t written anything in awhile b/c i’ve just been pissed off at people for no real reason. i’ve been tired eternally and i still can’t sleep. sometimes i can’t function on three to four hours a nite. sometimes i sleep six hours after school and wake up tired. i don’t know what the problem is and i don’t care–i’m getting used to it. i’ve come to the conclusion that nice people are fake. people never do “nice things” without expecting something in return or wanting something out of the other person. not in this world.

i’m also sick of people copying me. for one, don’t put lyrics after your entries–that was my thing. for another, i’m not that creative–it should be easy for you to come up with shit by yourself. be original and stop trying to get people’s attention with your bi-polar mania and faked depression and even faker happiness. you’re broken too. we’re all broken. if you’re not broken tell me.

tell me. there has to have been at least forty-three times this week that i’ve wished people would just speak things that everyone thinks. when someone does, everyone else gets mad at them. what kind of sick state is this? if you don’t like me and you feel compelled to say so, say so. if you like me and are stupid enough to actually believe you do, tell me. if you want to get lunch, tell me. if you want to eat shit, do it. i could give.

apathy is the only solution. its the only way to combat ignorance and self-indulgence and fakeness. call me.

dipp.