inreaction

i don’t normally agree with dates and labels and timelines. but today spoke out to me in a way that makes me want to go a little bit past the usual blundering i throw around here.

today is le cinqiueme mois. and today is better to me than even september twenty-first. because today we’ve grown to a point where we realize we’re growing up and finding ourselves but that we’ve found another person who we can share this journey with. not that i don’t share it with lots of people. it’s not about that. it’s about certain facts.

the fact that we’ve grown wise enough to know our faults and the faults of each other and that we’re wise enough to call each other out and argue when we need to. the fact that we don’t hold back and the fact that we have so much fun everytime we’re together (even if we’re nauseous on a boat in the harbor ;)). it’s not that i don’t share my life with other people, but that this one person is literally always there. always there to talk with, to give advice to and to recieve advice from, to argue, to laugh with.

it’s not the fact that we’re in high school. it’s the fact that we know we’re in high school but that we trust ourselves to be realistic in our endeavors. we’ve grown knowledgable enough to know that nothing is perfect.

it’s hard for me to craft some charming sermon on why this means so much to me. but we’ve come along way and come through the more tumultous times and now everything is so beautiful. we joke, we cry, we laugh, we dance, we walk, we hold hands (occasionally), but the most attractive experience of all is merely spending time together. i guess that’s why i feel i’m doing the right thing.

it’s also a real balance. the balance of personalities works out for the better. she is too nice at times and i’m just enough of a jackass. or probably too much but that’s another entry. our strengths counteract our weaknesses and we’re better for it.

sept 21st, 2005. cjp

clicK on it.

photos. in order:
my favorite picture
the united nations
some people near the un
snow
an interesting perspective
the un flags
an overexposed new york
a nasty cat
me
another un picture
grand central station, ny
american bald eagle.

i hate people who use asterisks as apostrophes. i hate the fact that i have such animosity for those who are fake but know that we are all of the same essential fabric. i’m sick of the self-aggrandizement that so many of my peers undertake, and i’m even more sickened by the praise that the weak use to make themselves feel close to greatness. i am most wary of people who take concerted efforts to craft an image that begs attention and appears full of wisdom and emotional idealism. true strength lives not in conspicous nature but enjoys comfort in its knowledge of self. i wish our world could have the nerve to ask questions instead of fighting over answers. that’s cliche but sometimes reading a hallmark card can be the difference between abusing anti-depressents and moving forward in life. the cliche we should really fear is that which plays the tune of originality. i’ve been shown that the most arrogant people are those that lack confidence and are most eager to label others with their own condition. the irony is that i can’t make that statement without labeling others. it doesn’t bother me when an individual allows themselves to be themselves–no matter how annoying they may naturally be. but the peopel who work so hard to create an over-vaulted aura of importance, wisdom, and emotional maturity bring vomit halfway up my throat. those that proclaim that anything they are doing is important (above any other menial task) imply that they are weak. weakness is what leads me to these words because i really shouldn’t be bothered by these people. but enough is enough. after less than two decades of life i’ve already grown so tired of service organizations and competition and those who denounce what they are and know it but hope that the world is too dumb to notice (and it is)–i’ve grown sick of people giving and getting awards for the lamest deeds. i can tell you that none of the awards i have been given mean as much to me as the things i have done that have gone unnoticed. some people would rather be on an organization that gets all the credit and that would be perfectly fine if they deserved it. leadership and service cannot be branded. i know personally of at least too many people to count that work “so hard” in the spirit of giving and are yet still part of an organization that is only intended to further their own personal vendetta. i know that none of these people have experienced that “award” of seeing a young boy with muscular dystrophy fearing an older coach and coming and hiding behind their leg. i know that seeing that athlete (fighting the game of life) smile and giving me a hug and a high five should be enough and that these words are really unnecessary if that experience meant enough to me. but it’s obvious that i am no more human than the people i describe in these words–i feel the jealous rage that makes me wish that honor, dignity, and integrity were never made into words and never put in the dictionary. it makes me wish that “essence” was not a dictional description of a being but a form of rare plant that gave the person eating it severe asthmatic symptoms and a reality check. if there’s anything i’ve learned over these years, it’s that there isn’t a point in learning about other people–the only mission we should undertake is to try and overcome the forces that other people propel into our lives, and we should strive to become one with the people we admire. it is not so much how these people speak of grandeur and this higher level, this greater emotional plateau of truth that they seem to be the only inhabitants of that bothers me. it’s the hypocrisy and the untruth in the fact that they are the ones saying those words.